I like ’em ties.
Those purple ties.
Wishing to be a the Ideal daughter.
I distract myself with a purple tie.
It doesn’t help the issue?
I don’t care.
I’m going to die.

That is what I am.
Inherently, may not be.
But limited I am.
Nay, limited I feel.

What is that?
Light.
How would that help?
It wouldn’t
Then?
Look into the eye of the cosmos.
What did I see?
Only you know.

I still can’t move.
I still argue.
I still feel so anxious, my tongue is numb!

I want to cry and let them free.
But I’m not brave, they are here to stay.
What is brave, anyway?
It’s when you can tell a lion from a panther.
I can do that. I was bigger, brighter, faster.
What about faith?
I have faith.
How can you say?
Look around.
Where? I don’t see you even trying to be.
I don’t want to go there, its black and black.
You have to go through that to see rainbow town.

Faith. So transient. So elusive.
I must keep faith.
Yes you do.
I will keep faith for my father I will.
Don’t forget your mother and the world.
Yes of, course all they are all my lovers.

So, move along young princess. The world is yours.

*Sigh* Alright, so maybe I come off as a person who doesn’t walk the walk. And its true, at least it WAS true. But its different now.

How is now different from the previous times I said its different?

Well, I don’t think its much different except that I’m a little older and wiser now. Also, my parents are angrier with me now and a lot of my secrets have been discovered by them.  Deep down, I’m relieved. I hate lying/deceiving/keeping secrets. Too much of a burden.

Anyway, back to my awesome  PD  journey as a conscious human being.

The last time I went down this road, I kinda just…walked off the path. Saw an ice cream truck and followed it down a place that’s boring and miserable. I don’t wanna judge any situation here and I certainly am not judging past me because, she was awesome and she did the best she could. I love her and there is nothing to forgive because she is awesome the way she is. If I had a time machine, I would go back and give her a hug! Not because she ‘needed’ it but because I love her 🙂 I don’t think life is meant to be taken too seriously. I’m gonna die one day.

The primary reason I want to consciously grow is to experience a richer and fuller life, while exploring and learning and loving the universe. I don’t think all of that will mean anything or will even be possible if I judge myself .

Poor me. (This is not pity, its empathy :D). I’ve had it rough, and I have always been hard on myself. This is the first time I’m acknowledging that I’m only human. I was a little child(metaphorically) and I didn’t know better. This is no justification to the ‘wrongs’ I did, this is just love for things the way they are. I have no resentment or resistance towards the past anymore. Because it doesn’t make any sense to fret over an illusion and things are always going the way they were supposed to. I tried to do the best I could. All I truly ever wanted was peace, comfort and the opportunity to share love. And poor others, those who hurt me, deliberately or mistakenly. I feel sorry for them too. And no sarcasm here. Because obviously, they do that because it makes them feel better in some way that is out of alignment with their inner being. And its cool, we are all in different paces on our paths to growth. We are all playing different roles in this psychedelic reality.

But love, love is never lacking or absent or undeserved by ANYBODY or anything. Love is ever pervasive and ever present. When we feel that we aren’t loved. Its only an illusion. Its never true, love  is all there is.

I am loved, the past me is loved, the future me is loved. All of me is loved, right now and will always be and always has.

That’s kind of the reason I was inspired to come back and blog. I used to feel obligated to make entries and make sure I’m progressing for the people to know. BUT I never stopped to think, “Uh…HEY lady!!! This blog is for YOU to have fun with!! Just have fun with this, don’t stress! If people don’t like this blog, they aren’t gonna read it. Its all right. YOU write in it, and make the best use of it and just be yourself. That was the initial intention anyway right? ” 🙂

So yeah, I think it would be appropriate to say … I’M BACK WITH A BANG!!(Lol I don’t even know if such a metaphor exists but heck, I’m feelin too peaceful and happy right now to stress over one(of many many) nonsensical statements I make)

Wait, I think that metaphor exists. :p

Have a great day 😀

Well, I’m not especially proud to report that…I FAILED MISERABLY at making the time the two days :D. But I’m proud of myself that I’m being honest about it. I ‘partied’ a little too much. (Note to self: ‘party’ only on weekends).

I was so exhausted when I got home, I went to bed at 9:30 for my ‘nap’ and I was out cold. I woke up the next day at around 10:00 a.m.  Lol. I felt a sudden dip in my motivation again, I went “Oh my God WOMAN!! NOT AGAIN!!! AGAIN?!!! AARRRRGGHH!!!” I felt shitty so I went out and partied again. (Yes, AGAIN!!). Pretty much the same thing happened.

BUT, the reason I write in this blog is because I want to be HONEST with how I’m doing, I want to come to terms with it and I wanna keep going.

Hence, I’m gonna get back on the Biphasic track again. *Sigh* To think of how much I’ve changed 🙂

Have a great day everyone 😀

I went to bed for a nap at 9 p.m. After a WHILE of tossing and turning I think I started to get SOME sleep. But I was awoken after what felt like 5 minutes at 10:30 with Kula Shaker’s ‘Govinda’ 😀

I got off the bed promptly, tried to do some studying. But after a while I got SUPER sleepy so I danced by myself in my room for a while(To some songs by the Gorillaz). Dancing ALWAYS energizes me, its magical! 🙂 But THEN being the recovering procrastinator/couch potato/movie buff/sloth that I am I watched ‘The Lesbian Vampire Killers’ till 3:30 😀

When I retired to bed for my core sleep I wasn’t very tired, I was over energized in fact. But I fell asleep soon enough. At 6:30(which is supposed to be my waking time) I hit snooze and slept again, waking up finally at 8:00 a.m.

The 1.5/4.5 split that I made the first day, is in fact pretty impressive since its Day 1 and since its ME we are talking about Lol. Although I didn’t make the targeted time, I still felt awesome throughout the day, I can see myself improving and that is just fantastic!

I think I was a little under prepared yesterday. Today I’m gonna keep a glass of water somewhere reachable from my bed, I’m gonna keep my alarm clock a little away from the bed such that I should sit up to turn it off and I’m gonna repeat this a bunch of times before I go to sleep.

“I am training to be the MASTER of my body”

“I am in complete control”

“I am constantly growing” 😀

This would technically be the first PD adventure I’ve decided to embark on, seriously 😀

Because its my first venture I’ve decided it within myself I’m going to make sure I put all my physical,emotional and spiritual energy in seeing this all the way through. Doing this successfully would fuel me to bring about more growth and overcome greater challenges further on.

I commit!! There really is magic in those words 🙂

So, my sleep routine for the next 30 days is going to be so:

• Taking a nap from 9pm-10:30pm.
• And my core sleep from 3:30-6:30.

This way I’m up during the times I have to go about work outside of my house or interact with other people.

I’m aware that the 1.5/3 hour split is not advisable for beginners but I always find myself highly motivated when a task is really challenging. And this time I want to make major changes in my life, since I have the inspiration and the drive to go about it!

Off I go to sleep now 🙂

Spent the last few days reading up about it intensely. The pros are very cool:

• I get more hours during the day, more time for everything!
• Its not as hard to adapt as polyphasic sleeping.
• It increases the clarity of dreams and I can get my dream recall back.

The only con being actually a pro for me:

• Its uncommon and its hard to catch up with the monophasic sleepers.(Ha! I got an excuse now :D)

I’m gonna make a definite plan once I get back home and start the trial today!

I recently wrote about how I should stop making excuses and go after The Dream :D. Here is a brief account of what happened the days after:

I was feeling AWESOME, I had a purpose, a goal and a plan. I didn’t much care about other people and what they were thinking of me, all I felt was a surge of unconditional love for everyone. I felt a strong feeling of Oneness with everybody. Surprisingly enough other people started to fall in love with me back(Surprising because that has never happened to me before, I either try to please everyone and come off as a total pushover or I cut myself off  from everybody with a spiteful “Don’t care what YOU think *****!” Attitude and come off as a loner). I think for us to love everybody is so natural, its just sad all the social conditioning blocks us from feeling so. Anyway, more on that later 🙂

Goal wise, I was doing pretty good. I would take notes during class hours, pay a lot of attention and ask questions when I thought fit. I would look forward to my classes. Other times, when I had nothing to do in college I would read journals and magazines. I volunteered to give two presentations to my class and my teachers really liked me 😀

Health wise, I quit smoking, I think I had one cigarette after the quit date. I slept enough, I woke up at 5a.m everyday and I ate healthy lacto-ovo vegetarian meals.

Relationship wise, my parents started to love and trust me again. It doesn’t bother me much if they don’t but when they DO, it feels good because I’m their daughter :D. Also because I live with them and I get a lot of peace of mind, when they are not giving me 2 hour lectures about why I shouldn’t this and that, so I would be the ideal Indian(and Brahmin) girl who can marry the ideal Brahmin boy later and make some ideal Indian babies, so that this cycle can continue(Till the earth gets swallowed by the Sun!) ! Pffft! All my energy goes in trying to feel better later! But all that didn’t happen, the house was calm and fun 🙂

One fine day, just a normal looking day I MET A GUY *sigh*! I was totally smitten.To make the long story short, I let go of all my goals, my routine, my confidence, my beliefs and I started smoking again! Way more than I normally would. And I want to make it clear that I’m not blaming the guy for this ‘failure’ but I am owning responsibility for being influenced by our relationship to that extent. If anything, he tried pretty hard to make me study and get good grades.

After looking over what the payoff could have been with this pattern I am back to start again. By starting again its not like starting OVER from scratch. I have all the lessons and experiences to back me up this time. I know what to look out for. I know how it FEELS to be there :). I know that I COULD lose track again, but what I know for SURE is that I will never stop coming back! 😀

People say its okay to make mistakes, but never make them twice, learn and move on. But I think we humans are much more complex than that, we sometimes need to make those mistakes a bunch of times to fully understand what is going wrong. But for that to happen, we should never stop going back and doing it again. Practice makes perfect!

So the next time you fail, if you find yourself  thinking “I fucked up! Again!!! I’m incorrigible 😦 😦 :(“(Which I tend to do sometimes:p). Remember that, it was just another round in the ring! 😀 You fall and get hurt, but your going back in to kick some ass and gain some wisdom 😀 Because YOU have the power and the will of The Hurricane! (He is one of my Idols :))

May The Force be with you!

“He who fails to plan, plans to fail”

I have been reading about Personal Development and Goal setting for a while now, for about a year maybe. But I have been making very less improvements, a million times lesser than I KNOW I’m capable of, and most people are a million times MORE capable than they KNOW.

The primary reason for my slow progress is because I make excuses. ALL THE TIME. FOR EVERYTHING. Let me state a few:

1. Why I don’t get good grades?

The past me would say “Well, my college sucks, my teachers suck and nobody inspires me to study!” or “I’m not sure if I really LOVE my major although I thought I did” or “What’s the point? Not like I’m gonna win the Nobel Prize with good grades, I’ll only get stuck in a dead end desk job or my parents are probably gonna get me married after I graduate”

2. Why I never quit smoking?

Past me,” Its not as dangerous if I quit soon and I WILL quit soon…Just not right now :/” or “All my friends smoke and its impossible to quit smoking when all my friends are smoking” or “It helps me beat stress and come on…It makes me look cool too!”

3. Why I don’t exercise or get up early?

Past me “A growing girl needs her sleep!” or “I’m think enough, I don’t need to exercise!” or “I’ll do it….TOMORROW!”

I can state a hundred more, the most used one was “I don’t know where my passion lies so I don’t really care for working hard to achieve anything”. I always knew how ridiculous that was in some level. Now I’m certain that’s a crazy idea! Some goal is better than no goal 🙂 And it has been YEARS since I’ve achieved anything!

I loved making excuses though, it would rid me of guilt and worry temporarily. It would help me justify being a lazy brat. That is why I say they are my frenemies, I would think they are pretty cool, they would help me get a away with things for a while but REALLY they are bitchy harmful! I surrendered all responsibility for anything, even the things that happen TO ME, BECAUSE of me. (Its funny I used to be that way, now I have started taking responsibility for everything ‘outside’ of me also, thanks to all the knowledge I’ve recently acquired  about ho oponopono and Subjective Reality)

Like they say “Every waking moment is an opportunity for growth” I pick this moment. Because this moment is as special and perfect as any other. I’m gonna shed all the false assumptions I had made regarding a dreams, goals, love, health, character and relationships and I’m gonna GO AFTER IT! 🙂

*Swoooosh!!!*